In a world where love is idealized and celebrated, the yearning for a meaningful and fulfilling relationship is a deeply human experience. Yet, many people who long for a partner find themselves single, often without understanding why. This can lead to frustration, self-doubt, or even resignation. Setting up a family constellation can offer profound insights into the unconscious entanglements behind your current situation which can stem from unresolved issues from your family system.
In my experience facilitating constellations, here are some of the most common hidden loyalties and unconscious dynamics behind being single when you want to be in a relationship.
Do any of these resonate with you?
1. Attachment Wound
The way in which we attach in relationships stems from our early attachment with caregivers, especially in the first two years of your life.
If, for example, you felt that your mother was unavailable and unable to meet your emotional needs, you may have learnt that you needed to figure things out on your own and that it is safer if you don’t rely or depend on others.
2. Being in an ‘energetic partnership’ with a parent
When we are energetically entangled with a parent, it can unconsciously leave little room for a romantic partner in our lives. This entanglement may manifest as idolizing a parent, leading to the believe that no one could ever measure up to them. Alternatively, it may involve feeling responsible for a parent’s well-being, especially if they seem lonely, unhappy or needy.
In both scenarios, we are too involved with the parent (either consciously or unconsciously) and struggle to take our rightful place as their child. Instead, we may take on the role of their partner or even parent of our parent, leaving us without the freedom to fully live our own lives or from meaningful relationships.
3. Entanglement with someone in the family system who was judged for being
single
In some cases, being single may be connected to an unconscious entanglement with a family member who was criticized or excluded because of their relationship status. This could be someone in your family system who remained single, was deemed "unsuitable" for marriage, or perhaps faced judgment for their lifestyle choices.
Out of loyalty to this relative, you may unconsciously align with their fate, repeating their pattern or carrying their burden as a way to include them or keep their memory alive. This hidden dynamic can create a block to forming your own relationships, as part of you might feel a deep, unconscious connection to their experience.
Recognizing and releasing this entanglement allows you to honor their story while freeing yourself to follow your own path.
4. Unresolved emotional ties with previous partners
Our relationship with our previous partners, if unresolved, leaves a deep imprint on us. If, when we think of them, there is an emotional charge—such as resentment, anger, regret, or longing—it indicates that certain aspects of the relationship are still influencing us. These unresolved feelings can create emotional blockages, making it difficult to open ourselves fully to new connections and, in some cases, contributing to prolonged periods of being single.
5. Subconscious Avoidance of Life
When we are unconsciously entangled with an unacknowledged death, for example an abortion or an unprocessed early death in our generation or an earlier one (for example a sibling, parent, aunt or uncle, etc.), we may metaphorically stay "paused" in grief, or guilt perceiving the world through the lens of that unacknowledged loss.
This can manifest as difficulty in forming or maintaining a romantic partnership, as the energy tied to the loss keeps one from fully embracing life and intimacy.
6. Ancestor’s Unfulfilled Desires
Emotional and energetic patterns are often passed down in family systems, influencing descendants in subconscious ways. For instance, if an ancestor was forced to get married, endured an unhappy marriage, or was deeply entangled with their own parents and longed to remain single, this unfulfilled desire can influence a descendant’s emotions, behaviours or relationship patterns.
A descendant might feel this unfulfilled longing as if it were their own. This inherited desire can create confusion in their own love life, causing internal conflict between the wish for partnership and an unconscious pull toward solitude.
Family Constellations reveal that being single is rarely a matter of "bad luck" or there being “something wrong” with the individual. Instead, it often stems from hidden dynamics within our family systems. By seeing and addressing these entanglements, you can begin to release the subconscious barriers holding you back and open yourself to love and connection in relationships.
To go deeper into this subject, join us for my upcoming Family Constellations Online Workshop: Creating Fulfilling Relationships.
We will also be setting up constellations on any issue that arises on my Family Constellations Online Workshops: Ready for a Shift.
