As infertility rates rise and the definition of family continues to evolve, more people are turning to assisted reproductive technologies (ART) to fulfill their dream of parenthood.
These advancements offer hope to many, yet they also introduce unique family dynamics worth exploring through the lens of Family Constellations.
The Family System and Assisted Reproduction
From a Family Constellations perspective, every child is fully welcomed into life, regardless of how they were conceived.
Whether through or egg donation, Intra-Uterine Insemination (IUI), In Vitro fertilization (IVF), In Vitro Maturation (IVM), Vitrification, Intracytoplasmic Sperm Injection (ICSI), surrogacy, or other reproductive methods, these children—both born and unborn—are an integral part of the family system.
At the same time, it’s important to recognize that everyone involved in the process also holds a place within this system. Donors, surrogates, and other contributors are not merely facilitators of birth; their presence and energy resonate within the family field.
In my practice, I’ve worked with a growing number of clients who have welcomed children through these methods and I am observing unique family dynamics that can surface, often unconsciously, shaping the emotional and psychological landscape of both parents and children.
The Unseen Bond: Entanglement with Unborn Siblings
One such case involved a couple who sought insight into their four-year-old son’s persistent defiance, aggression, and moments of deep sadness. They had undergone multiple rounds of IVF, resulting in 18 unsuccessful embryo transfers and four remaining frozen embryos.
During our Family Constellations session, the child’s representative was fixated on various spots on the ground—unable to connect with the representatives of his parents. Upon further exploration, we recognized that he was entangled with his unborn siblings—those embryos that had not made it.
To honor this unspoken bond, we introduced representatives for the 22 embryos, including the four still frozen. The representative for the child was visibly moved and instinctively wanted to lie down beside them. As he lay there, he felt at peace, finally able to reconnect and experience the deep love that united them.
After soul movements and healing sentences acknowledging his siblings and giving them a rightful place in the family, the child was willing to stand up and connect with his parents and embrace life.
This constellation illustrated how children conceived through ART may carry deep, unconscious connections to their lost or frozen siblings, influencing their emotions, behaviour and connection to life.
Possible Symptoms of Children Conceived through ART
- A Deep Sense of Loneliness or Incompleteness – Even in loving families, children may feel an unexplained void, sensing the presence of lost siblings who were conceived but did not survive or were frozen.
- Guilt or Survivor’s Syndrome – They may unconsciously feel guilt for having "made it" while their embryonic siblings did not, leading to internalized sadness, a feeling of “not deserving” or a hesitation to fully embrace life.
- Unexplained Anxiety or Restlessness – A deep-seated anxiety can emerge, often without a clear external cause, potentially linked to an unconscious awareness of their prenatal journey.
- A Strong but Conflicted Bond with Siblings – If born as part of a multiple pregnancy, they might feel an intense closeness to their living siblings, sometimes coupled with rivalry, protectiveness, or an inexplicable sense of loss.
- Heightened Sensitivity to Loss – These children may react more strongly to loss or separation, whether in friendships, relationships, or family dynamics, as their early experience involved profound unconscious losses.
- A Deep Fascination with the Unseen or the Mystical – Some may have an intuitive connection to things beyond the material world, including an awareness of energies, spiritual matters, or a sense of connection to the unseen.
- Physical Symptoms Without Medical Explanation – Some children may experience fatigue, stomach aches, or headaches that have no clear medical cause but may be tied to unconscious emotional burdens.
- Challenges in Bonding with Parents – If their early journey involved many interventions or separations (e.g., freezing, delayed implantation), some children might struggle with attachment, sensing an early disruption in their connection to life.
Supporting These Children
It is crucial for parents to process their own emotions and do the inner work before addressing these themes with their children.
Otherwise, they may project their own unprocessed feelings onto their children, affecting the way these experiences are integrated into the family narrative.
- Inform the living children of their true origin – include the embryos that were frozen or did not survive, donors, surrogates, reproductive technologies in the narrative.
- Acknowledgment of Unborn Siblings – Speaking openly and gently about lost or frozen embryos can help the child feel a sense of completeness within the family system.
- Naming or Rituals of Honor – Some families find healing in giving names or performing small rituals to honor the embryos that did not make it. If you know when the embryos will be terminated, do a ceremony to send them off with love and a sense of belonging.
- Expressing Gratitude to All Involved – Acknowledging the donors, surrogates, and medical professionals who played a role in the child's conception can provide a sense of belonging and completeness.
- Creating a Safe Emotional Space – Encouraging open conversations for parents and children about emotions and unexplained feelings can help the family process any subconscious grief.
- Encouraging a Connection to Life – Supporting the child in embracing their presence and purpose in the world can alleviate feelings of guilt or survivor’s syndrome
As reproductive technologies continue to evolve, so too must our awareness of the emotional and systemic implications they bring.
Through Family Constellations, we can offer a compassionate space to honor all family members, ensuring that each soul, no matter how it arrived, is seen, acknowledged, and given a rightful place within the greater family story.
To go deeper into this subject, join us for my upcoming Family Constellations Online Workshop: My siblings and I: Same beginnings, different lives.
What is one thing that came up for you after reading this? Leave a comment below and let me know.
Truly awe inspiring.
Thank you for this article, it came to me when I needed to be reminded of this things. I have 3 unborn children, the last one was my first IVF via egg donor. I know I have to come to terms with the “donor” term as my brain keeps telling me, it wasn’t a donation, it is my most expensive purchase and also, to acknowledge the donor as an important part of the process, sometimes I get stuck at the thought of this is my husband and someone’s else and I am the one that has to do all the hard and painful work (hormons, needles, tests, endless appointments and meds, etc etc). I know I need to do all the work and I want our second chance to work. Our 3 unborn children are part of our life and we acknowledge them and miss them. I have 3 frozen embryos and this opened my eyes as they are also part of our family.
Thank you