Adoption is often celebrated as a new beginning. And it is. But in Family Constellations, we know that every new beginning includes a past; and that past must be honoured for the present to flourish.
Behind every adoption, two family systems meet: the one the child was born into, and the one they are welcomed into. For the child to feel fully grounded in life, both lineages must be seen—even if only silently, in the heart.
The Invisible Tie
Emma was adopted at birth. Her adoptive parents gave her everything: love, opportunity, a stable and nurturing home. And yet, as an adult, she carried a persistent, inexplicable anger toward them—an anger that didn't match their kindness.
In the field of Family Constellations, we often see this when the adoptive parents, even unintentionally, look down on or reject the child’s biological origins. Emma’s parents would sometimes say things like,
“You’re lucky we adopted you; you could’ve ended up with a drug-addicted mother and an absent father.”
While meant to reassure, those comments quietly dismissed the people who gave Emma life.
In a constellation, we invited representatives for both her adoptive and biological parents. When the representative for her birth mother entered the field, Emma burst into tears; not out of pain, but recognition. There you are.
The representative simply said,
“I gave you life. I couldn’t give you more. But I never stopped carrying you in my heart.”
Emma’s body softened. Something in her began to settle.
Her adoptive mother’s representative stepped forward with tears in her eyes and said,
“We thank you both for bringing Emma into the world. We honour you as the ones who gave her life and thanks to you, we have have fulfilled the dream of raising a child.”
In that moment, everyone had a place. The anger lifted. Emma no longer had to align with the excluded. She could love both sets of parents; fully and without conflict.
A Place for All
Adoption is not a replacement—it’s an expansion. It works best when the biological parents are acknowledged, not erased. When adoptive parents can say,
“We are not your biological parents, but we are the ones raising you because they couldn’t, and we honour them for giving you life,”
...the child is free to belong to both systems.
Family Constellations doesn’t seek to solve the past, but to bring peace to it; by restoring order and allowing love to flow again. And when love flows freely from both directions, adopted children can thrive; not in spite of their story, but with it.
